BPD – Relationships

So, I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. And let me tell you, it’s a bitch! The worst thing about is the whole issue with friendships and relationships. I really struggle with both of these – I have severe attachment issues and major abandonment issues, and it has meant that I have lost people close to me because they haven’t been able to deal with it. This is the information about that. It really relates to me.

If you have BPD, you may feel that other people abandon you when you most need them, or that they get too close and smother you. When people fear abandonment, it can lead to feelings of intense anxiety and anger. You may make frantic efforts to prevent being left alone, such as:

  • constantly texting or phoning a person
  • suddenly calling that person in the middle of the night
  • physically clinging on to that person and refusing to let go
  • making threats to harm or kill yourself if that person ever leaves you

Alternatively, you may feel others are smothering, controlling or crowding you, which also provokes intense fear and anger. You may then respond by acting in ways to make people go away, such as emotionally withdrawing, rejecting them or using verbal abuse. For many people with BPD, emotional relationships (including relationships with professional carers) involve “go away/please don’t go” states of mind, which is confusing for them and their partners. Sadly, this can often lead to break-ups.

I can’t bring the people I’ve lost to see what I am going through and that my actions are because of my condition. It has completely debilitated my life and has made me miserable on more than one occasion. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, I wish I could see things in a ‘normal’ way and thing logically about situations rather than having this black and white view of life.

I have identified what I need to work on, and I am going to start fighting back. I will not let the BPD control me anymore. I may not be able to revive my friendships but I am going to make sure that the ones I have left (the minimal amount) I keep and put more effort into. I need to make sure that I become a better person – I will be a better person. I am determined more than ever now. The person I am doing this for may not see it but he is my inspiration – he’s the reason I have been having help and I can’t apologise enough for the shit that I have put him through. I will get better. For him. He deserves it. I deserve. I just never noticed it before.

I will keep you updated.

With mental health and writing.

Peace and love.

Charlotte.

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Losing A Friend

The worst thing about mental health is how it affects friendships and relationships. I have lost some people due to this. Some of them haven’t bothered me, but one I have jeopardised has broken me completely. We had a turbulent friendship. I would often get upset when he didn’t reply to texts or emails and I couldn’t accept that he hated using a mobile and didn’t want to text. I used this against him and would get angry and upset and blame him for everything. But that wasn’t the case. I had (have) a huge crush on him and that meant I got too attached, and clingy.

We seemed to work through things, he even spent 7 hours in A&E with me when I have a severe mental breakdown. He took his phone to work to check on me, and make sure that I was okay. I thought it was really sweet and made me feel like he was making an effort. Turns out, he hated it and was doing it as a favour. This upset me. Also, we had plans but because I didn’t reply to his e-mail he was happy enough to cancel the plans. I interpreted this as not being important enough to him to message me. So, I overdosed. Luckily, a family member found me and I was okay.

I emailed my ‘friend’. No reply. No texts, no emails, no phone calls. So I became obsessed and wanted to know why he was ignoring me. I finally get an email to tell me it’s best we don’t talk and that was it. I tried to talk to him but radio silence. It really hurt me. He should have had the decency to tell me to go away but he didn’t. So my wonderful BPD kicked in and I became obsessive. I hounded him, which I knew it wasn’t a good thing, but I couldn’t let him go. As much as he hasn’t been a good friend, I still wanted answers.

He hasn’t contacted me at all and it hurts. I wish I could hear his voice and see that beautiful smile that he has. He has hurt me, and even my counselor stated that we needed to cut ties,  but now he has cut them I can’t cope. I have spent most of my days in bed, crying, because I have lost someone I cared a lot about. Don’t get me wrong, I say he’s been a bad friend but there have been times he has been an amazing friend a lot of the time. He stayed with me in the hospital, he picked me up and took me home after a play finished late. He took me to one of the local beautiful places around here and helped me walk 13 miles and made me feel proud.

I was a better person around him. I learned new words (because he’s very intelligent and articulated). I wanted to be a better person for him and for a while I was doing better. I applied for a short course at university, I went to counselling, I was reading better books that helped increase my knowledge and intelligence. I was a better person, until my BPD took over. I pushed him away. I tested his limits and loyalty – so much that I have now lost him. I am upset by what he said about me being a favour – I hoped he was messaging me as a friend, which he stated he wanted, but to be told it was a favour was a hurtful thing.

But now that I don’t have him in my life, I am miserable as sin. I keep crying, I keep remembering the good times that we had. And the email he sent me keeps repeating through my mind and OCD is playing up big time. All I want is for us to talk through things. Yes, we have both made mistakes (big ones on both of our behalf), but that doesn’t mean that I am ready to just lose him. I can’t. He has been a good person to me, he has helped me when I needed it the most.

I overreacted to a situation and took an overdose and got mad at my friend. And now that he’s walked out of my life it made me realise how bad my BPD is. In counselling we discussed how BPD makes me have attachments and bad relationships. I don’t want to be like this anymore, I hate it. I hate that my condition is ruining my friendships and relationships. My stupid BPD has lost me a good friend. I don’t know how I can win him back, how I can get the friendship that we once had. I want to apologise to him but I don’t know how. I am scared. I am terrified in fact of my own mind. Every week I would lose my temper at him, send him a long winded email or letter and then we would be friends again and then I would get upset. I know that it is my fault – I have pushed him away and I can’t take any of that back.

I just want him back in my life, because without him there is a huge whole in my heart. I am heart broken, I can even feel the tightness in my chest because he isn’t around. I am well and truly lost without him. I don’t want to leave my bed at all and I have no energy or motivation to do anything. I just wish we could talk and work through things, but I am not sure that we can go back. I want to change. I want to change for him because I want to have him back in my life. I am willing to do anything if it means that I can have in my life. And I mean anything – even if that means completely changing who I am, which I am willing to do.

I am working on myself. I am taking time away from everything – even my phone. I need to work on my BPD and look at how I can make myself better. I know why I have attachment issues – dead beat father! I know I need to be less clingy and possessive and it’s something that I am going to be working on. I know my faults:

  • clingy
  • possessive
  • over thinking
  • pushing boundaries
  • attachment
  • over jealous
  • compulsive
  • bad person

Yes, I see myself as a bad person. I expect people to hurt me so I look for ways that they can hurt me. I push people until they do hurt me because I don’t believe that I deserve happiness and people who care. So I continue to push and test limits – and their loyalty. I do not want to do that anymore, I do not want to be that person anymore. I care about people but I show it in the wrong way.

I won’t mention his name on here, I know he wouldn’t appreciate it, but if you ever do read this – just know how much I was influenced by you, I was a better person around you and you pushed me to become a better person. I miss you terribly. I know I said next time I mess up I will walk away, I can’t do that. I care too much about you and I will fight for you. I am going to get help so that I can be a good friend.

Thanks for reading guys.

Charlotte

P.S: Check out my books page, I have updated it with my new works and new links =)

Mental Health

Mental Health is not something that can be laughed at or ignored. Do not judge those who are suffering, do not make comments about how they should behave or feel and mostly, do not tell them that they can get over it and to feel better. All of the above are not comments people who are suffering from mental health want to hear.

There is a stigma surrounding mental health and those who are unfortunate enough to suffer from it. This stigma has made it difficult for sufferers as they are not portrayed correctly on television or are thought to be unstable people who sit at home self-harming all day. This is not the case. Like myself, many people are able to hold down jobs and have perfectly normal lives and social lives; they just have a darkness that can consume them.

I have been suffering for years. It took me over a decade to go to the doctors and admit that something was wrong – it was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. It was scary; telling someone that you are not feeling okay, that something was wrong in your head is terrifying. But I did it. The instant reaction: medication.

Medication is not the cure. Yes, it helps. It can help numb the thoughts and stop the darkness shrouding you, but it is not the answer. Medication has numbed me, has made me calmer and more relaxed and means that I am able to think about my actions (and I do not over spend anymore), but it doesn’t stop the thoughts from running through my mind. It does not take away the emptiness that I feel on a daily basis.

I need more than medication, but it is hard. I have been referred to psychotherapy but the waiting list is ridiculous. The doctor told me that he can expedite it and push me up the list, but I am not expecting anything before the year is up.

Anyway, that is it for me. I am unable to open up anymore, but I will continue to post reviews, random stuff and mental health posts.

Over and out.

Charlotte.

One Christmas in Snowdonia

One Christmas in Snowdonia – Kelly Matthews

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This is a great Christmas story from Kelly Matthews. It is a novella that is light-hearted and funny. Kelly has created believable and lovable characters in a wonderful fictional town. I am not usually a Christmas person but this is one book that I am glad that I picked up and read. I loved the setting in the book and the story of Christmas. There is a true story of Christmas in this book and it was nice to see that coming through. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and did not see the twist at the end – it was definitely something that you do not expect, but was such a great read.

4 stars.

The Maze Runner Series – James Dashner

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The Maze Runner is a book that I have had on my bookshelf for years but had never gotten around to reading. Then one day I picked it up and started reading it. I found it gripping and found it difficult to put it down. I loved the concept of the maze and the grievers and I didn’t know where it was going to go next. I found myself coming to the end of the first book and really looking forward to reading the sequel. The Maze Runner was a tantalising read and I wanted to know what happened next.

However, The Scorch Trials didn’t tickle my book buds as much as I thought. It started to become a little weird and it was difficult to keep track of everything that was going on. I wasn’t as gripped with it, but I continued with it, sure that it would be get better again. I tried but it wasn’t as good as the first in the series was. I quickly finished the second book and picked up The Death Cure.

And this is where I found myself disliking the series. The final book in the series was extremely disappointing, it was boring and seemed that the author wrote it to just end the series and had not put the heart into it like the first book. The ending of the book was poor, and I put it down with a sigh, not wanting to read the prequels at all.

I didn’t even finish the second movie.

Overall, I was disappointed with this series. My interest dissipated as the books went on and I wanted to finish reading it for the sake of reading it.

2 Stars

To write, or not to write

Writing used to be a release for me; it was my way of escaping the troubles in my life. Mental health plagues me; seeps into every pore of my skin. The thoughts consume me daily, the darkness shrouds me. Writing helped with that. I could focus on the plot, the characters, the setting. I would type away the troubles, forgetting for that short time the woes that demanded attention. Lately, writing hasn’t been a vice for me. I haven’t written in such a long time. Not properly anyway. I am working on a project with a friend, but that does not require much effort other than watching one of my favourite television shows. I do not have much energy for anything other than work, gym and reading. I am turning into a big reader again; I love books in ways that I haven’t felt before.

Ideas are running through my mind daily, but I am not motivated to write them down or even think about turning them into a plot. I have scribbled some notes for an idea that is floating around in my head, but I scrumpled up the paper and threw it into the bin. As of late, writing is not something that I am motivated and inspired to do. I will try writing some blog posts and book reviews, but that will be the limit for now.

I will be posting more about the *secret* project in the near future so watch this space.

Thanks for reading.

Charlotte

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Charmed 20

For 14 years or so, I have been a fan of television show called Charmed, a show whose premise was about three sisters who happened to be witches, and their lives as they adjusted to their powers, and balancing saving the world and leading normal lives, and relationships. I got into the show in about 2002/2003, my first episode being about a sandman in season five. The show gripped me; although I didn’t enjoy that episode so much, it got me wanting to watch more. So, I started with Season 1 as it was being shown on tv and I found myself hooked. Christmas consisted of me having the first few seasons on DVD, which I binge watched.

Over the years, my obsession with the show grew and by 2005, I had even started a roleplay with friends, in which my character regularly bounced between Chris Halliwell and Kyle Brody. (Oh, those days were fun!). So, when it was announced that a convention would be held, featuring some of my favourite stars, my interest was piqued. The one star, however, that sold it for me was Drew Fuller – the one and only Chris Halliwell. Boy, was I excited that I would be getting to meet one of my teenage years crushes.

The months passed by and the convention got closer, I found myself volunteering and offering to help at the convention. My excitement grew as the day arrived. And then it arrived. May 5th. I awoke early, got myself ready and made my way to the con. I was told what my volunteering would be (covering the talks), but I offered to work more – I wanted to keep myself busy and ensure that I did not become bored.

So, it started, the opening ceremony came, and the celebrities went on stage. It was happening. They were here. On stage, near me. They disappeared off and I was rushed to the photoshoots where I would be spending the morning. First up was Dorian Gregory and Ivan Sergei. I stood there, anxiously, wondering what I would say when it was my time to meet them, hoping that I didn’t fangirl too much and screw everything up. And then Ivan was stood by me, hand held out, saying hi. Boy, oh boy. I shook his hand and talked to him. All the time internally drooling because the guy is gorgeous! How I envied Paige!

I worked the photoshoots, and even got my chance to have my picture taken with Ivan. After the photoshoots were done, it was time for a break and then the talks. I wandered around aimlessly, wishing that I was the one sitting with the stars, sitting around laughing and talking instead of staring from a distance. (I did say I fangirled). As a volunteer, I was given a group photo free of charge – which was amazing. So I sat there nervously as my favourite stars surrounded me. Next came the talks. I stood there and allowed people to use the microphone to ask the stars questions. The talks were brilliant, the cast members had many stories and memories to share and gave us an insight into what it was like working together.

Up next were autographs, the chance to get signatures from the cast members. I helped them, making sure that I had a good glance at Drew as he signed. (I did warn you). Before I knew it, the first day was over and it was time to go back to my room. I missed the party and meal afterwards because I did not have the money to purchase the ticket. I went home, happy, excited and in copious amounts of pain due to my fibromyalgia.

The next day I was late, partly because of my pain, partly because there was a run on and all the roads were closed. I quickly had my reshoot with Ivan and ran upstairs to have a photo with none other than Drew himself, before I started working again. Like the previous day, I worked the entire con. This time, I managed to interact with Brian and Holly and even got Jesse a cup of coffee. Time for another break, another set of talks and the final round of autographs.

I had purchased a miniature copy of the Book of Shadows and decided that I would get this signed. I chose the pages that were perfect and jumped the queues to get them done. (A perk!). Another perk of working was having a free autograph, so I chose Holly and got her to sign the inside of the book at the spell to invoke the powers. I even managed to get a hug from Drew, which made my day.

I was also fortunate enough to attend the Drew meet and greet. Boy, that was worth it. He was really down to earth and deep. He told us about the rejections and the hardships of working in film and television. And took the time to answer our personal questions. Another tick on the list. (LOL). But I thoroughly enjoyed it, it’s nice to know that they go through the same things we do on a daily basis, and that they do not give up. Thanks for inspiring me Drew.

The end of the convention was a sad time. It was saying goodbye to the friends that I had made that weekend, plus saying goodbye to these guests I have spent so many years alongside. The great news came that there would be another one next year – so I am already making plans, and keeping fingers crossed for certain cast members coming.

Overall, for being a first convention by Kitty, it was brilliant. A few hiccups to be expected but many people complimented about how it was, and the smoothness of most of it. I was really proud to be apart of the team and I cannot wait to be on board next year.

So, thank you Kitty, for putting on such a fantastic convention. And thank you guests for coming and meeting your fans.